Untold Oceans

Random.

2008-08-31T00:11:00.001-04:00

There are no Cinnabon stores within a 70-mile radius of my home.

That is all.

Idols

2008-04-13T00:37:00.002-04:00

No, not THAT kind of idols - the ones that you grew up with, the people that you loved reading about, hearing about. The people you aspired to be when you grew up. (Mine was Gandalf.)

Eventually, though, we either become too cynical to have our idols around in our minds anymore, or - which may arguably be worse - we pick up a new book and realize that our favorite authors are killing them off, or changing them. The character is doing something you know in your heart s/he wouldn't do! How dare they!

For your idol has taken on a life of his or her own in your heart, in your mind. Grown into something that is more than the character, something that inspires you to be and become. When that dream dies it takes part of us with it - when we realizes that even our idols can fall, we realize that we can, too, and maybe the world isn't a place filled with opportunities.

Why is it that we can't hang on to that optimism? Why can't we retain the hopes and dreams that our heroes instilled in us? What is it about humanity that makes it so easy to fall, and so difficult to keep going? We need to keep our heroes within us, to always have that image of them prevailing and winning - but we also need to remember that they can fall. And it's okay. They make mistakes - so do we.

We are none of us infallible - all we can do is try to make our heroes proud.

A hiatus.

2008-03-27T20:24:00.001-04:00

I know that I haven't been posting - and I'm not quite sure if anybody still reads this thing regardless. Either way, I wonder when people realize what they want to do with the rest of their lives. Does it come gradually? Do you always know what you want to be? Is there some kind of signpost where you simply decide to either acquiesce to what people think you 'should' be, or soldier on in the murky waters of uncertainty, trying to figure out who you are and what you want?

I think most of us don't end up doing what we think we want to do. However... what I want to know is: How many of us end up doing something better than what we'd started out as?

A break.

2008-02-22T01:50:00.000-05:00

After a long hiatus...

I'm contemplating what to do with my life and this blog. I'm strongly considering a career change - solely because I think I would have a hell of a lot of fun in journalism.

Does anyone read this and have commetary? ^_^

Plan on getting into an accident soon?

2008-01-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

None of us plan on getting into an accident. "I'm a safe driver," we pat ourselves on the back, warding off any thoughts of something that could potentially go wrong. None of us plan on getting sick; "It'll never happen to me," we insist, touting how well we take care of ourselves. The problem is, no matter how safe we think we are, there are other people out there that can influence whether or not we get into an accident, and sometimes, there is no amount of healthy eating that can keep you from, say, having a stroke.

This brings us to a topic few people want to think about - life insurance.

Advantage Term Life can help you save money on insurance, especially if you have a family. If you want to make sure your children are taken care of - or your spouse, or your cat, or what have you - after something happens to you, you need to have insurance. That's unfortunately the way the world works, now - if misfortune befalls us, those that we love most have to pick up the slack and take care of what we did wrong. If you have a family, you need to consider getting family insurance - now.

Thankfully, places like Advantage Term Life have quoting insurance services, a way that you can get a quote online to see if it would be better than what you have now - or better than nothing, if you haven't gotten insurance yet. People don't like to think about things like this - especially in America. It's difficult to contemplate that anything bad could possibly happen to us in a society where we shun the concept of death and illness (How many times have you said "passed away" or "he's left us for a better place" instead of simply saying "he died"?), a society where we demand our "birthright" of receiving everything we want and wanting more after that. Unfortunately, this is not the golden society we profess it to be, and people do get injured, people do fall ill and people die. Taking care of your loved ones is the best legacy you can leave behind.

It can happen to you - plan ahead.

Thoughts.

2007-12-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

Children generally come into this world full of good will, innocence, happiness, trust, and faith. Adults are lightened by the presence of children - their overwhelming joy makes us recall what it's like to feel that way. As children grow, they slowly become jaded, bitter, trustless and faithless - most of the time, especially in America.

Why do we call this the process of growing up?

Why does becoming an adult mean that we must lose all inherent joy and faith that we were born with? What is it that makes it perfectly acceptable - and encouraged, even - to destroy the trust that we have in our fellow human beings? If we did not encourage this in our children, if we did not crush their hopes and their belief that they could be anything, imagine what this world could be.

We purposely take perfect creatures that truly believe that they can accomplish the world and demand that they limit themselves. We impose restrictions upon their psyches - you can't be an astronaut. You couldn't be the president. That's a nice dream, hon, but why don't you go to school for something realistic? Why don't you try for something that will pay you enough?

Why do we do this to ourselves and our children? I know that the reality of this world is one that is harsh and demanding, but teaching children that they cannot accomplish all that they believe they can is simply dooming them to repeat our mistakes: trusting no one, believing nothing, and hating ourselves without knowing why.

Self-injury, again.

2007-12-15T23:10:00.001-05:00

This isn't about why people cut themselves... but the media's portrayal of it. Recently (about thirty seconds ago, actually) I was watching MadTV, and a skit came on about "Tickle Me Emo" or something similar to that - a black-haired Elmo that said things such as "I hate you," et cetera. All right; that was mildly amusing.

And then...

"Don't leave your Tickle Me Emo alone for too long..." It had a razor blade and slashed at itself a few times with horrific breaks in its fur and deep "wounds."

I should have seen it coming, but every time I see something like this, I'm incredulous. First, the fact that so many people see self-injury as a cry for attention - another way of whining, of being a "drama wh*re." Just another way to be "emo." The phrase emo is another rant entirely, but the fact that people equate something that is often a life-saving coping tactic with that "I'm going to cut myself because my mommy won't drive me to Hot Topic!" bull is insane. (And yes, that is a direct quote from an ex of mine - he was making fun of self-injurers.)

It is incredible that people cannot cope with the fact that yes, some people do harm themselves, in a mature fashion. I know that it's very hard to understand how people can actually do this - it's counter-intuitive to everything we know as humans. Yet we cannot be accepting or understanding - we ridicule, blame it on an attention-getting mechanism, and scold people for doing it, instead of sitting down and asking them if they need help.

We need to stop making fun of people that hurt themselves and actually gain the trust of emotionally vulnerable, hurting individuals that need help and support. Perhaps then they would stop doing something that you find so reprehensible and immoral, and would actually trust you. Perhaps then you would be a person worth talking to about problems and tough feelings. Perhaps then you would earn someone's respect - because anyone who reduces self-injury to "Wahh, I'm not getting my way so I'm gonna cut myself!" or something similar to that is no one I will ever respect.

Depression

2007-12-10T18:17:00.001-05:00

There are some days when you function perfectly fine, to outward viewers. Everything seems as if you're all right, and yet all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. You go to work, play with your kids, make dinner with your wife and smile while a part of you is in the corner of your mind, shaking. Or, like me, you spend your day playing World of Warcraft so you don't have to think, hug your boyfriend, thankful that he's in your life when you're batsh*t crazy, and dwell on finals week as you sit in your computer chair, staring through the TV because you don't have enough energy to focus your eyes, and wish you could cry.

Sometimes depression isn't the big, self-injurous, screaming and crying sessions. It isn't the "emo" (and boy, do I hate that word - what is wrong with feeling your emotions?!) displays that people are so fond of mocking others for. Sometimes depression is just a day when it feels like the sun can't shine on you because it's raining, deep inside your mind.

Another departure from the norm.

2007-12-05T01:56:00.000-05:00

Well... maybe not. Psychology also extends to those that are in foster care or in residential facilities; there are a lot of children in this country who don't have a home and don't have a family. Christmas may be spent staring out a window at the cold, just another day, or without being able to get a gift because no one cares. Or perhaps a kid is lucky enough to get placed in a foster home; but raising children, foster or not, is a very expensive endeavor. A lot of parents - again, foster or not - don't have the money to spend on their kids this Christmas.

You can help. Baggage, a foster/adoptive mom, over at Baggage And Bug, wrote an article about a program called "Little Wishes." Go read it - click and help. Make someone's Christmas a little better. You can sort it by category of gifts, by price, whatever you want - it's just an opportunity to help a kid who has a Christmas wish and might not get it without the kindness of strangers.

Neglect.

2007-11-23T19:15:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that some people are allowed to have pets. I cannot believe that there is not some type of screening system that would allow us to know who precious puppies and kittens are going home with and to make certain that they are not neglectful or cruel.

My boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner at a Tully's restaurant today. When we left to go to our car, the vehicle parked in front of us had a beautiful dog sitting in it, staring out the window.

It is 21 degrees in Western New York; 15 degrees with windchill.

We promptly marched back in, told the manager, and wrote a note to leave on that scum of the earth's windshield.

It is NEVER okay to leave a dog in a car like that. It's FREEZING outside and Tully's is not a quick stop - generally you don't spend any less than an hour of your time in such an establishment. It is NEVER okay for you to pretend your dog is a piece of furniture that doesn't need any concern about its care and wellbeing.

I am calling back in half an hour to see what was done about this.

I have very rarely been so angry. Don't get a pet if you don't have the compassion and intelligence to take care of it.

Ugh.

2007-11-19T22:36:00.001-05:00

And sometimes you're just in a funk and can't write. The paranoia and anxiety and depression and everything else piles up on top of you. And then your student loans freak out and tackle you with an ax and beat you into submission.

You know. Hypothetically speaking.

Abusing an illness.

2007-11-07T12:40:00.000-05:00

Now, I understand that this is going to be an extremely controversial topic (if anyone actually chooses to read this!) - however, it must be addressed. A diagnosis of mental illness is not license to run rampant over your friends and family, become a little dictator that will fly off the handle if your wishes are not complied with, and use "but I'm (insert diagnosis here!)" as an excuse to do/not to do/to get out of/to get into something.

It simply isn't, folks.

First, a diagnosis does not in the slightest change who you are. You are the same person you were yesterday before a doctor made a note on your chart. It's a label for behaviors, chemical issues, actions and reactions to trauma, and misaligned thought processes that were likely there long before you got that little sticker you're parading around everywhere. A diagnosis does not change you - all it is, is a name for something you already had. It doesn't make you special and it does not mean that you can take liberties over everyone because you're so siiiiick.

Mental illness is DAMN hard, and painful - I know this. I know this biblically, personally, I know this by rote. I know that it feels as if your actions are out of your control and that you're driving everyone away and I know what it's like to feel like everyone is against you - but there comes a point where you need to stop hiding beneath your diagnosis. Yes, it might be hard, but you need to do certain things - personal care, upkeep of house, home, & any familial obligations you may have, go to school/work if you are in that position - and having a mental illness does not mean you get to STOP doing those things.

Quite frankly, unless you are in a position where you are in need of such help that you require assisted services, in-patient hospitalization treatment, or some kind of personal aid in order to help you, you need to realize that this isn't going to go away and babying yourself through it probably won't help you in the long run. Get the help you need - go in-patient if you need to. Yes, it's not fun, but intensive treatment could get you out of the hole long enough that you can function properly. Get a pet to give you motivation; get the assisted services you need, but DO WHAT YOU CAN WITH WHAT YOU HAVE.

That's the biggest thing I can stress: if you give in to your mental illness it will take you over. You are fully capable of mistreating and abusing others because you are giving in to your mental illness. Maybe you're hurting the people you know the best, maybe you're pushing away people you barely know. Maybe you're screaming on the sidewalk about the world falling down around you. The point is that there comes a time when you need to say, "You know what? I hate this. I don't want to be like this anymore." And then you take one step at a time.

Change and help won't come immediately - fixing the hole caused by this illness/issue with your brain/trauma-based problem will take time. But you need to stand up and rise against it, not use it as an excuse to run roughshod over the people who love you.

Well now I just want to go to France.

2007-10-26T13:58:00.001-04:00

I hadn't really realized that France was... well... so PRETTY! When you imagine France, what comes to mind? I sort of start having thoughts about really long, skinny bread, black berets and snooty accents. Honestly though, I've been looking into France and its culture and honestly... the countryside is breathtaking. And I found out a little about how you can get a hotel in Paris. As in, near the Eiffel Tower. As in staring out your window at it. Tell me that isn't cool.

Did you know about Paris Fashion Week? Displaying all of the finest wares in Paris, one of the hotspots of culture and fashion? Paris apparently has some of the best shopping in the world. (See: Yves Saint Laurent , who makes sensational handbags... ^_^) There are museums, wineries and fine dining - but hey, anybody that thinks of France can immediately pick up "Hey, there is fantastic food in France!" You can stay in Paris for pretty cheap too. Hotels in Paris can be as little as 72 euros a night. That's pretty darn good for PARIS, FRANCE, people - as in, romance capital of the world. Bring your man (or woman), and be prepared to cry (or get down on one knee, depending on your role in the relationship).

They have some *amazing* beaches, too, and also some neat little markets. The Nouvelles Galleries is apparently the French version of a shopping mall - several floors of stores and galleries. Please, stop and wipe the drool off of your keyboard. Seriously - Paris. France. Go. For the love of God, we all need to go to France and spend money on delicious handbags, fine French cuisine, and hotels in Paris where we can see the Eiffel Tower.

In case you couldn't tell, that was a hint. (C'mon... you know you want to take me to France... Please?)

The scarred wizard.

2007-10-23T02:11:00.000-04:00

Okay. I know this blog is usually about products and psychology but seriously - was there any particular reason to say that Dumbledore is gay other than to stir up emotions, remake the controversy of banning her books from libraries, and to bring the public eye back upon her as it was before the series ended?

Stress, part two.

2007-10-11T19:00:00.000-04:00

This is less psychoanalytical and more a kaleidoscope-like picture of real life mixed with college stress.

Yes, I said that word again: STRESS.

Every college student has a word for it, and it happens at least once, more often twice or more, a semester. That's two to four plus times a year that a college student grinds him or herself into the ground, running on empty and doing everything s/he can to stay alive. You stay awake until you either pass out on your desk/kitchen table/plastic TV tray that somehow, somewhere, must count as a working surface, or until you realize that class starts in ten minutes. Apparently a lot of people think it's an exaggeration that so many 18-20somethings are running around on 2 hours (and that's if you get lucky) of sleep a night with so many demands on their time that one would think that the various governing bodies in their lives were not, in fact, in communication with each other. You need to be in two places at once. You need to finish everything at the same time. Everything your entire livelihood rests on is due, is happening, is being tested, or needs to be written about RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND and you might only have found out about certain events like this a few days ago.

That's right, folks: Hell week.

Hell week is the convenient culmination of every requirement in that syllabus that looked intimidating on the first day crashing down on you all at once. Hell week is realizing that yes, you HAVE been studying all along but you still aren't ready (or you haven't, and now you're screwed), the state really does expect more of you and your class than your teacher apparently feels necessary to mention, and that this is the week where you'll know if your (or your parents') money is well-spent.

I wish I was exaggerating. You will find that every major exam (mid-terms or finals) will be if not on the same day, extremely close together. Every paper that you never heard about will be due at the same time on the same day. Every class project that you haven't been able to find a partner for will suddenly shift in priority, becoming THE MOST IMPORTANT THING on your list... and yet you still need to cram.

That's where all-nighters come in. You stay up as long as you possibly can, relying on your short-term memory to carry you through where you or your professors have not properly supplied the information to your brain. You can plan ahead as much as you want, and have everything you know about done - you can begin studying months in advance, but new information will continuously crop up. An assignment that clearly was not listed in the syllabus will suddenly appear on the white board, in your email, or postmarked yesterday, stamped directly on your forehead.

That, my friends, is Hell week.

Adults will be extremely unsympathetic. "Welcome to the real world, where everything piles on you at once." Maybe so. Recalling every bit of information, regardless of its actual meaning in the "real world," must be preparing you for something, surely. Have you listened to everything your boss, significant other, or mother-in-law has said for the past three to six months? Are you sure? There's going to be a test on that, and depending on how you rank in the class, you could fail out. You didn't know that? So sorry.

Those projects that are all due on the same day, the papers? Yes, I'm sure that your boss might require projects and papers of you. I highly doubt he or she will demand that you rewrite the Employee Handbook by rote, interpret the data of the last six months' customers including what they have purchased, why, and what it means for the global economy, and mathematically compute the likelihood of you needing a raise of $0.50 in the next three weeks versus the statistical likelihood of you actually receiving it, all due Friday. It's Wednesday at 4:55 pm. Feel any pressure yet?

That's a little what college is like. College is not a big party (for those of us who actually want to do well). College is not a trial for real life, because the things we are being asked to do often have little bearing on what, exactly, we want to do with the rest of our lives. Barring that you are actually a statistician or a linguist (or, you know, a native/fluent Spanish-speaker), when is the last time you calculated the standard deviation of the milk production of cows (per pound), or needed to conjugate a verb to an imperfect tense in Spanish in order to explain a habitual action that you *used* to do? Does your boss require you to memorize that Excel spreadsheet full of thousands of phone numbers, checking account numbers, and percentages? No?

College is stressful. Stress is preparing you for the fact that life is stressful, sure - but there are two arguments against this: Life is stressful before, during, and after college, and college has its own special brand of coma-inducing numbness.

It's called Hell week, and it's roughly beginning around now. And December. And March and May and...

If you see a 18-20something looking a bit haggard, offer him a bag of Fritos. The poor guy probably hasn't eaten or slept in days.

Do you want to make your website pretty?

2007-10-06T20:52:00.001-04:00

Not everyone has friends like I do, who will shortly be making my blog pretty. (Hint hint, LG.) There's a Computer Consultant company called Langtech that can prettify your blog. It reportedly can also do some pretty nifty things if you have a business - which seems to be what the target audience of Langtech is in the first place.

Langtech can make your blog pretty (HTML, MSQYL, PERL, CGI, Apache, SQL, Oracle, and a whole bunch more anagrams are listed on their site). It can also help you plan how to use the internet to your business' advantage – they claim to be able to develop specifics and plans for putting your ideas on search engines, technical specifications, and existing applications into your appearance on the World Wide Web.

I'm not sure if anyone reads this that actually needs a computer consulting company, or if anyone wants a Real Professional Awesome-looking Layout, but Langtech seems to be an interesting option for business owners looking to expand onto the web. It's based out of New Jersey - so you know that they're good!

Frustration.

2007-10-04T18:25:00.001-04:00

Inbetween the rampant "Hey, is this cool or not cool?" entries, there's some real content in here, I promise.

Frustration with those afflicted with mental illnesses is something I've been thinking about for awhile now. There have been many times where I've been hurting, in pain, crying out for someone to listen and to tell me something, anything, that will penetrate the fog. And people don't respond very well to that. People generally get sick of the perceived "whining," the self-indulgent speeches, the fact that, quite frankly, a person in any kind of situation needs to think out loud and bounce ideas and theories and questions off of something.

Somehow it's okay when people are exploring the problem at the office with a friend after hours, but once it turns internal, once it's something purely from your emotions, your chemical imbalances and your own personal hell, it's anathema.

People don't want to hear it. They want you to get over it, immediately, and you are a soul-sucking leech at best if you don't put up and shut up. Few people understand the detriment of keeping these thoughts to yourself - mental illness is isolating, and people isolate you because of it. That's a double-dose of being forced into alone time, bouncing ideas off of *yourself* - and in case you've never tried it while being in the grip of a heavy depression, it simply makes it worse. You start thinking, and it spins down fast and hard, the ideas coming more and more quickly than your brain is capable of taking, until the end result is that you want to scream, because you simply hate yourself and this process so much.

That, I suppose, is why the mentally ill pay people to shut up, look pretty, and listen for a little while. If you can get some meaningful feedback - "Well, okay, but what if you look at it THIS way?" - that can make all the difference. "You're not crazy, you just need to work through it out loud" is a powerful statement. The mentally ill are NOT simply insane - mothers who are stuck in a fog of depression and anger and fear after the birth of their children are drowning in a sea of complex hormones, feelings, lifestyle changes, and the fact that their very identity is being rapidly reshaped by a very small person who doesn't care how their mother feels at the moment. Those with acute anxiety are not panicking in the corner because they want you to feel bad for them - on the contrary, they probably don't want you to know that they're panicking at all.

Mental illness is really frustrating to deal with, no matter which side you're on. It's very hard not to throw your hands up and say things like "Well, if you want to kill yourself, just DO it already and quit TALKING about it!" It's hard, and it's time-consuming, and it makes you question your own thoughts and mortality and wonder if you could ever become irrational, or so terrified of bad things that you couldn't leave the house. It's a wonder that any of us ever grow up and move out - and those with anxiety will tell you that they have no idea how others live without the burden of knowing the thousands of things that can go terribly wrong at any given moment, in any given situation.

The point is that people aren't ill, they don't have a disorder, they aren't venting for your benefit. If someone in your life is mentally ill and you're not up to the task of letting them bounce it off of you to get some kind of feedback, that's fine. But don't listen for a little while and then give up, saying it's too hard, calling them names and telling them how pitiful they are. "Get over it," "you're sucking the soul out of me," "just do it if you're going to and shut up!" How is that possibly helpful? If you want to back out, fine. If you need to say "I need to protect my own mental health and the intensity of this conversation is making me think some very hard thoughts and question myself in a way that I need to take time to figure it out," that's perfectly acceptable. "Go f*ck off and die" ... not so much. Frustration is normal, but keep in mind that the person behind the illness, the person who is hurting or terrified, is just as frustrated as you are, and trust me - most of them would snap out of it faster than you could ever imagine, if they only could.

Auctions!

2007-09-29T12:02:00.001-04:00

Well, since no one suggested anything that they wanted to see, we're going to move right into our semi-regular "What the heck is that?" product session. I recently came across this auction site - it's called "Bid4Prizes." I know, I know, it seems like it's just one of those things you read about in your junk mail, but it does seem interesting. According to the website, you can get free gifts by bidding on items. You can only do it if you live in the U.S. or District of Columbia but somehow I don't think too many international readers are on this blog anyway!

There are several ways to enter the Sweepstake. You can do it by text message, but really, who wants to pay for something on the internet when you aren't even sure about it? You can also just go to the website and log in there. There are two different types of registration - paid and free. (If I sign up, I'm going for free.) You get points for signing people up, and then you get to bid on things. You put in a FAKE BID - please keep in mind that the numbers you're slinging around are FAKE. You don't pay what you "bid." You can win by getting the "lowest unique bid" - that means that if six people enter, and they bid $2.50, $2.50, $2.75, $2.75, $5.00, and $6.00 but you bid $3.26, yours will be the winner, as it's the lowest number that no one copied.

Supposedly you can also win a cash prize, but from what I've seen it's an either/or scenario - you can win a car OR a cash prize.

I'm not too sure about this - it sounds unreal. And the catch?

You have to pay taxes on all items that require it, like if you were winning it on a game show. Which isn't too bad in the long scheme of things, but it's still somewhat scary. On the whole, though, the website's easy to use, and if it's for real, it looks pretty fun, especially since the prizes involve things like iPods, Wiis (yes, really), designer bags...

Everything your little college heart might desire. Might be fun. Let me know if you sign up.

A query.

2007-09-24T20:56:00.000-04:00

What I want to know is what YOU want to know. Is there any particular psychological problem that you're afraid of or want to know more about? Is there anything you wish you knew about wildlife rehabilitation, animals and environments that need help, or where to go to donate your time and/or money? Tell me what you want to know, and I'll provide!

Unless you ask me where to buy the perfect soft pretzel, because I'm still looking.

And to break the silence...

2007-09-10T12:42:00.000-04:00

I know, this is not our regularly scheduled programming, but I -am- a college student, and I -am- writing this blog occasionally about things that happen to college students. Especially college students waiting to graduate and go to a different school.

That said...

I truly believe that colleges need to politely step into the electronic age so that their prospective students do not render themselves insane. Tearing one's hair out in an anxiety attack, stressing about whether or not you will receive that coveted "big envelope" enough that your stomach curdles most unpleasantly, and being unable to sleep due to the question of "Will I have to start paying my loans in six months because I suck and I won't get in?" is enough, people.

The fact that you can, at some colleges, view the status of your application on the internet is a boon. It soothes the frantic, ragged minds of the young student that yearns for acceptance - literally. Checking every day to see that that little phrase - "Application is ready for review" - is still there is a ritualized act by now, a comfort, albeit a cold one, that my application is indeed somewhere, and it has been readied for review. This implies that it will indeed be reviewed sometime soon.

And then that little phrase changed.

It changed to the most insidious phrase I have ever seen. All of my hopes and dreams and questions and wishes and anxieties lie on this one little phrase - which is a lot of pressure to put on two words, mind you. The fact is that we as potential students have a lot of responsibilities piled upon us, the motherload of all collegiate stressors (save, perhaps, the Master's thesis and pretty much everything involving a Ph.D) due to the fact that some of us are largely screwed if we are not accepted to our potential college of choice.

Or perhaps I'm the only one that would be inherently screwed, but the fact is that this one little phrase has brought the nail-biting, lip-gnawing, trembling, nauseous anxiety to whole new levels. I come to that webpage seeking reassurance and answers, I delve into the realms of the internet in hopes that I will find the answers to my fate, that my anxieties will finally be laid to rest, and that I can either start trying to get a job at Burger King to pay for my student loans which will ungraciously be dumped upon me six months after I graduate, or I can relax, file my student loans, and ignore the burden of the debt that is piling upon me... and I find two little words that are now the bane of my existence, that answer nothing, that tell me less than the answer I would receive if I asked a two-year-old to explain the Pythagorean theorem.

"Decision made."

Anxiety.

2007-08-31T14:04:00.001-04:00

Everyone knows what it feels like - your stomach drops, ice trembles down your spine and your mind begins to buzz with possibilities. Whether it is bad news that has found itself on your doorstep, the knowledge that you have to stand up in front of 40,000 of your peers and deliver a speech, or the fact that you really -do- need that very big shot at the doctor's office, we all have it - anxiety.

From the dictionary:
anx·i·e·ty (āng-zī'ĭ-tē) Pronunciation Key
n. pl. anx·i·e·ties

A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
Psychiatry A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.

That's an understatement, to say the least. Anxiety can rend you limb from limb, leaving you shaking and unable to function, and yet this is one of those things that people are supposed to simply "suck up and deal with." Generalized Anxiety Disorder, however, is not something that you can simply "get over." GAD is characterized by anxiety that is long-lasting and is not particularly focused on one event (IE, it is not GAD when your anxiety is produced solely because you are concerned for your job; if you are unable to stop being anxious when an issue is resolved and your anxiety simply moves to another topic, however...), and you CANNOT control it.

Let me repeat that: You cannot control that you have this anxiety and you cannot simply make yourself stop having it.

You can't just "fix" it and make it go away. It's with you all of the time. Constantly, every day of your life you're afraid of something, and "this excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals suffering GAD typically catastrophize, anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, family problems, or work difficulties." (Wikipedia) There is no quick fix and no way to just deal with it. You can live with GAD, but it even has physical symptoms, such as fatigue, headaches, trembling, as well as a whole host of other problems.

Can you imagine being afraid every day of your life, knowing that it's irrational but being unable to stop it? What if every day you were fixated on the fact that your loved ones COULD walk out the front door and get hit by a bread truck, that you COULD lose your job at any moment, that you COULD fail out of school and there is little you can do about it except try your best and attempt to keep your loved ones safe? What would you do?

It's not hard to believe that this disorder usually has depression showing up alongside of it.

If you were paralyzed by fear every day of your life, and your loved ones were telling you that your worries were stupid and you should just get over it... how would you feel? What would you do? Is there anyone in your life that behaves this way? Maybe after realizing that it truly is not something within their control, nor are they doing it just for sympathy, nor can they simply "get over it," you will begin to understand that they need your support, not your scorn.

Stigmas, part two.

2007-08-26T14:16:00.000-04:00

A teenager stares at the cold linoleum floor, wincing as the words fall past his ears from outside the door. The nurses speak of him with disdain, as he's made more work for them. They talk about how stupid it is, that he must be seeking attention, that he doesn't deserve the same level of care that those with accidental injuries do.

His mother is in this hospital, three floors up, dying as he sits in the emergency room. His father left when he was three, and he is facing being alone, losing the one link to his family that he has left. He cut himself, because it's the only thing that can help the pain go away.

The doctor comes into the room, glaring at the young man, grabbing his arm roughly and shoving it down against the tray table. No anesthetic is given as he begins to stitch up the wounds.

"Excuse me," the young man interrupts softly, his voice shaking with barely-restrained pain. "That hurts."

"You shouldn't have done it in the first place," the doctor replies grimly, and continues to suture the boy, uncaring, indifferent.

Does this upset you? It should. It's how a lot of medical professionals view self-injury and self-inflicted wounds; they're a bother, a burden, and the people who did such things don't deserve the same level of care. The patients are discussed in the break room, and talked about as if they aren't there. A person is screaming out in pain and the professionals simply don't care, because they hurt themselves.

If you think this doesn't happen, think again. I know a lot of medical professionals, and they all have similar views - that it's a royal pain to have "one of those cutters" come in. And God help you if you have a mental illness labeled on your chart, because that will stigmatize you for life. Recently, a medical professional I know disparaged me for having "friends that are on very strong drugs with very bad problems," due to the fact that a friend of mine has bi-polar disorder, and is on Lithium for it. A chemical imbalance apparently is still enough to make you a leper.

Why do we do this? Why are we so afraid of people that have problems? You can't catch it, and it doesn't make your life any worse. Offer some compassion for someone in pain and you would be a better person for it. What does it give you to make someone who is already obviously feeling bad worse? What does it do for you? Why is it so hard to be kind to someone in pain, simply because they've "given you a little more work" to do that day?

Why must self-injurers be treated as inhuman, as not deserving of anesthetic? Why must someone who is in a position to be kind, to even change someone's life with a bit of compassion, treat a person in pain like a travesty upon humanity?

Stress.

2007-08-20T13:48:00.000-04:00

We all say "I'm so stressed!" But who ever really stops to think of the effects of stress on your mind, body and spirit? Stress is a terribly heavy thing to be holding on to, and the burden of it can harm your every day life in ways that you might not even realize.

Wikipedia defines stress as "stress is the disruption of homeostasis through physical or psychological stimuli. Stressful stimuli can be mental, physiological, anatomical, or physical reactions." ... Very helpful, right? What does that MEAN? It means that stress screws up the way you normally are, and that stress can do a myriad of things to your body and psyche, just to sum it up a little bit.

So what can stress actually do to you? Well, first it kicks in your fight-or-flight response. That means that you're working in overdrive, trying to either get out of the situation or beat the living daylights out of whatever's causing your anxiety. Since you likely can't extricate yourself from the situation you've found yourself in - IE, if your grandmother dies, you can't resurrect her, and if your car is currently halfway through a telephone pole, you likely can't magic your way out of it - and most people sure as heck can't run away from their daily lives, your options narrow down to "Fight." And since lashing out at the world can only do so much... well, you get the picture: The stress builds up inside of you, causing...

Migraines, strokes, a weak immune system, blood pressure issues and problems with your heart. It can give you indigestion, heartburn, back problems, and symptoms of anxiety. And that's JUST the physical symptoms that most people have! Psychologically, stress can cause your ability to feel emotions to change - your feelings could be amplified, or you could numb out. Stress can cause lasting changes in your brain patterns, causing communication problems in your brain (i.e., something in your brain no longer targets what it's supposed to, and things kind of explode a little bit. Not literally!). It can also cause sleep problems, insomnia, and an overall feeling of being depressed, paranoid, anxious, et cetera...

Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Stress beats you down, and kicks you while you're lying there. So what can you do about it? First of all, figure out what exactly is causing you to be stressed out. Sometimes it's obvious - "I can't pay for school!" - sometimes not so much - "When I was younger, I cut my chin open running around outside, and now I feel anxious whenever I go by that place." You can pick something that you're feeling, and start examining your life, if that would be easier for you - "Does going to visit Mark make me feel scared? Does this person or this thought make my head start hurting?" Then you need to avoid which stressors you can - easier said than done - and work on de-stressing yourself. Deep breathing, yoga, exercise (if that isn't one of your stressors!), stretching, muscle relaxation, and just trying to slow down your thoughts could help you a great deal. Taking a moment to sit back and realize that you will get through this does a lot.

And if you see someone looking like they're having a mini panic attack in the middle of the mall one day, give them an encouraging smile. It just might make their day a little more bearable.

Self-injury.

2007-08-15T13:29:00.000-04:00

The psychology post of the day involves that which few understand - the act of causing physical harm to oneself, voluntarily.

It's so very hard for most people to comprehend the willingness to take a blade (or a lighter, or what have you) and rend your flesh asunder. Why would anyone ever WANT to harm themselves? Don't they understand how, well, STUPID that is? That your flesh is supposed to stay in one piece thankyouverymuch, that those scars will last FOREVER?

Well, yes. Most people that injure themselves do understand the generally accepted thought processes regarding the act. That, however, will not stop anyone when they are in the depths of pain that they cannot find their way out of. Self-injury is a way to cope with overwhelming pain - escaping it, transcending it. Allowing the pain to come to the outside and bleed away; a distraction, perhaps, from what is going on in your mind; quieting the chaos that swirls around in your psyche at any given time; or reattaching yourself to your body, proving that you are still here, grounding yourself in the present, for as long as you can.

While I admit that some people certainly are the "HEY LOOK AT WHAT I DID!" types, this is not a cry for help, it is not a whiny "I'm going to go ask my mom to buy me a shirt at Hot Topic and prove how cool I am by cutting myself!" gesture, and it is not even a suicide attempt. That, I think, is the most difficult part to understand - people who injure themselves intentionally are trying, in the best way that they know how, to stay alive. To deal with the pain inside of them and push past it, to make it one more day, to see if the next sunrise will provide the help they need but are too afraid to ask for.

It all goes back to stigmas. If you see someone with slashes all up and down their arms, words burned into their flesh, you would most certainly assume that they're insane. You would want to involuntarily incarcerate them - "for their own good," assuredly. No good, healthy, sane person would ever do such a thing... right? It's hard to consider the fact that people can sometimes do less than healthy things to try and keep themselves in a healthier place than they would be otherwise. Some people drink - some people play video games - some people go out and dance until they fall into an exhaustion that lets them finally sleep. Is it really any different than the other methods of self-destruction that we at least tolerate, if not smile upon?

It's easy to accept smoking, drinking, driving fast, screaming at others as ways to reduce stress. It's easy to call these people normal, to understand why they're doing what they're doing. But why is it so offensive that someone might take another method? People who injure themselves are trying the only way they know how at this point to get through their daily lives - and those who condemn them are not making it any easier.

Be kind to people, no matter what they're doing, even if you don't understand it. You might be the light in someone's day, the bright point of acceptance that they so sorely need, instead of being one more accuser that seeks to take away the only thing that's helping at the moment. Try to understand someone else's point of view - and even if you can't, there's no reason to be afraid of someone who injures themselves. They're people just like you - they simply wear their pain on the outside.

Stigmas.

2007-08-12T17:40:00.000-04:00

It's time to bring in the other topic of this blog - psychology. Specifically today, mental illnesses and the stigma relating to them.

It's hard enough to delve into the depths of depression; to live without a light of hope, without the ability to pull yourself out of the darkness that you've succumbed to. It's hard to fight the chemicals in your brain, an unseen enemy that hides, lying in wait until you lay bare before the world, naked and vulnerable, sobbing on the floor and screaming to the sky.

And then it pounces.

It's as if you fall down a well, and your choices are to follow the paths of the sewers, filthy with muck and the terrible stench of fear, or to try to climb, risking falling again and again, over and over back into the tepid water, drenching yourself in the filth once more. Depression is one of the more common mental illnesses, and yet we throw around the term as if it were nothing.

What if it was not a momentary funk? What if this feeling lasted for weeks, months, years? And yet we do not reach out to help those that are mentally ill - in fact, being declared as such can make you lose your job. Your home. Your children. You can be declared incompetent, unfit to parent and to live your own life, because of something that you have very little control over. It's akin to blaming the cancer patient for developing a malignancy.

You can't fight what you don't know, and you can't battle it alone. Education about your illness, arming yourself with all of the knowledge that you can is the only thing that can stand between you and it. Knowing what you're fighting - or what your mother, your boss, your coworker, your child is fighting - can make it a lot less scary, and can arm you with enough resources that you can fight back.

Instead of claiming that those who are mentally ill are burdens on society, why not learn a little bit about it? Try to put yourself in their shoes. They're just normal people, sometimes with haywire chemicals in their brains, sometimes not. They are people like any other - and you never know when "those crazy people" might move into your life. Your brother, your father, your best friend, or even you might face these challenges one day.

Arm yourself now with knowledge, instead of fear.

Thoughts on vaccinations.

2007-08-10T13:35:00.000-04:00

Granted, if you keep your pets' vaccinations up to date, the following would not be a problem. HOWEVER. Say that in the past, you have not been able to afford a $65 shot plus a $100 visit to procure said shot for your pets - making $165 a year per pet. Say your pets are exposed to rabies.

If a human is exposed to rabies, you test the bat, and in the meantime, you get a metric buttload of shots to keep yourself from getting sick. We all know this, right? Please explain to me why, exactly, there is no such thing for pets. If your pet is exposed to rabies and the test comes back that the animal in question is rabid, YOU WILL NOT KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOUR PET ACTUALLY HAS RABIES, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO PUT THE PET DOWN.

There's no test to tell you if your pet actually has it, if it's been bitten (unless it's pretty obvious that the pet has been bitten), if your pet actually is developing rabies. There's no "cure" to fix this - you can put a dog in quarantine for six months (on your dime, mind you), but if the pet in question is a cat, the cat must be put down, because cats would have to be double-caged for the quarantine, and cats really don't like being caged.

There is nothing you can do but pray that rabies check on the animal who bit your pet comes back negative. Please explain to me why we have not developed something akin to the buttload of shots that humans get for animals. I don't quite understand why we haven't worked on this issue - putting down animals that may or may not actually have rabies? Isn't that a little inhumane? Isn't that just a bit cruel? We can put tiny little chips into an animal that can be scanned if it gets lost. We can treat a diabetic cat the same way we treat human diabetics. We can treat cancer, prolong life, we can send monkeys to the moon, and we haven't made any progress whatsoever as far as rabies and pets?

Who thought up this brilliance? Put the word out - if you know anyone in the veterinary industry that develops products, let me know, and maybe we can get a petition up.

In the meantime, I'm going to go hope like hell that test comes back negative...

Baby seals!

2007-08-08T12:55:00.000-04:00

Today is brought to you by Baby Seals! The Humane Society is holding a petition to save Baby Seals. The US House of Representatives passed a resolution to ban baby seal hunting in Canada, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's going to stop. Signing a petition to help that - and to pledge not to buy seafood products from Canada - will definitely be a start. There's a commercial seal hunt going on for baby seals, and Canada has not as of yet, that I know of, eradicated this hunt.

Harp (pictured) and hooded seals are the targets of this killing - and most of them are babies, less than three months old. I'm POSITIVE that someone besides me is at the very least pissed off and a bit sad about this, if not enraged and sniffly. Come on, people, have a heart - look at that cute little snow-touched face! Imagine the tiny little baby seal wriggling after its mom, squeaking and making seal noises quite happily. You can help that little puffball of white fur grow up and have its own baby seals that will follow in a line down to the water, learning how to dive after fish and chase after birds.

For the love of God, people, the "approved" ways of killing these seals involve guns, wooden clubs, and ICE PICKS. Ice picks! Who the hell kills anything with an ice pick, unless you're stranded on top of an icy, dark mountain, holding on to your guiderope for dear life as the elements converge around you? I think we all might want to get away from the "hey, we're still living in trees and throwing rocks at monkeys!" mentality. Don't kill baby seals just for the sake of having something to hunt. Go to your local grocery store and buy a freaking sandwich. And go sign up to save baby seals, while you're at it.

American Humane Association

2007-08-07T14:01:00.000-04:00

The American Humane Association is striving to do something that really means a lot to me - protect and help save wildlife. Nature is something incredibly important to me, as you will undoubtedly find out if you stick around on this blog for long - hopefully it is something that will be important to you, as well. I'm likely what could be called a tree-hugging, animal-loving hippie - which is to say that I adore animals, and will do anything in my power to help keep those that belong in the wild free and healthy.

The AMA are some of the people that rush in to save animals when there are natural disasters, such as the recent flooding in Oklahoma. When everyone is evacuating and in a state of panic, sometimes our best companions are left behind - our pets. Our beloved animals who sit with us when we're sad or lonely, who roll around on the floor to make us laugh. An AMA team was dispatched to Oklahoma to rescue these animals - and hopefully to reunite them with their family.

This association is really full of kind, caring people - but very few associations, care centers, or rehabilitation facilities get the funding they need - and some aren't even federally funded at all. In order for them to continue saving our puppies and kitties, as well as lynxes and falcons, we need to show them our support. Go to the American Humane Association and donate now, if you're feeling in a charitable mood. Even $5 will help someone get home.

Advantage Auto Quotes

2007-08-07T13:14:00.000-04:00

Advantage Auto Quotes has some services that I wasn't aware of - they can help you get insurance for your car if you're buying a new car, if you have a bad record, or if you have a really, really old, antique vehicle. It doesn't matter if you have a terrible driving record - though obviously your insurance will be less expensive if you haven't smashed into a few mailboxes. You'll have higher rates, of course, but they even give you tips on how to improve your driving record and how to lower your insurance when you do get some.

If you get a new car, you might be interested in what's called "Gap Coverage" for a new vehicle. Gap coverage is for when you buy a new car - say you get into an accident right after you buy it. Unfortunate timing, of course, but what can you do? If you have gap coverage, it will help keep you from losing the new car right after you get it in case of an accident. It might be extra, but who knows what might be lurking on the way home from the dealership? What would happen if a freak accident occurred, and you hadn't filed for gap coverage? That computer that mysteriously flew through your windshield would still be sitting in the front seat, and you would be out of a car. It will probably be more expensive to set up gap coverage with your dealership - hence why Advantage can give you, well, an advantage.

Advantage also covers classic cars. You might not get insurance for your prized baseball collection, but classic cars could be considered quite a bit more valuable than that - and thusly, you might want to consider insuring those babies. Advantage Auto Quotes gives you a lower-costing option than most insurance - since most people keep their antique cars in their garages and maintain them personally, the policy that requires you to keep the car from getting too many miles on it would be perfect. It's a lower cost - but even if you do drive your car around town, they've got an option for you there, as well.

Checking around the Advantage site gave me all sorts of good ideas, tips and tricks about improving my driving record - and we all know that the average person could use a little boost in their record. It's worth checking out!

Blogsvertise!

2007-08-06T18:44:00.001-04:00

I recently found out about a service called "Blogsvertise", where you can begin earning income by writing on your blog. All you really have to do is mention a product, or a company, or what have you, and leave it up on your blog. You mention the product at least three times, and Blogsvertise will pay you for it! You can talk about how great the product is, or how... less than great the product is, or even just talk about how it relates to your life.

Which brings me to why, exactly, I'm talking about Blogsvertise in the first place. I'm in college - and I'm sure that some of you know exactly how tough a place that is. It's really hard to keep up with schoolwork AND find a way to get income, while trying to get good enough grades to get into the next college you'd like to go to, in the case of graduate programs. It's not easy, but companies like Blogsvertise can help you find ways to get a little extra cash, so that you might be able to afford the $2 pack of Ramen, instead of the one for $1.

It's a thought, isn't it? So go, check out this cool service that I just found out about, sign up, and start making money through your blog. Come on - who can't use a little money, especially when you're sitting around blogging regardless of whether or not you're going to get paid for it? Use your blogging time for something a little more productive, and actually make a bit of spare cash doing something you enjoy.

Wildlife rehabilitation.

2007-08-06T18:35:00.000-04:00

For the animal lovers out there, I just visited a wonderful place - Hawk Creek, a wildlife rehabilitation facility in New York. There are no words that could adequately describe just how wonderful the volunteers at this facility are - everyone there clearly loves animals so much, and the money they make goes toward taking care of the animals, whether it be through donations, or sales of items (t-shirts, et cetera). They aren't federally funded, and yet they spend so much time, effort and money taking care of so many different animals.

I'm likely to mention Hawk Creek an awful lot on this blog - I truly feel as if they are doing something worthwhile. There are tons of different kinds of animals that you can help to feed, or provide for, and they need all the help they can get. There's no better way to show that you care about the wildlife in your area than to look around for your nearest rehabilitation facility and donate your time or some money to their efforts.

It's incredible. I urge you to go to your nearest wildlife rehabilitation facility and donate, volunteer, give some of your time or money to support nature and wildlife before there's nothing left to support.

College days.

2007-08-06T18:30:00.000-04:00

Something I hope to feature regularly on this blog are "College days" - things I've found that make life easier, harder, or, well, infinitely more amusing for those deeply in debt due to the astronomically expensive venture known as "higher education."

One of the things that I've found the hardest about dealing with college is the dreaded "financial aid" - the fact that the word "aid" is in that phrase at all seems to be absolutely ludicrous. There are various scholarship sites, of course - namely Scholarships.com, FastWEB, and Scholarship Experts. There's the ever-so-lovely FAFSA application, of course... but how exactly does this help you?

Unless you meet a lot of requirements and have the writing skills of a fanatical freelancer, you're unlikely to win a scholarship - though the runners-up prizes are nothing to sneeze at either. However, what will actually help you earn a little money towards college?

That depends on how much time you have on your hands, and what you're capable of. For instance, Amazon or MBS Books will buy your old textbooks. You'll likely get a better rate from MBS, but as it's through your college of choice, there's a chance you won't be able to use it. They do let you print out a shipping label, though, so that's handy.

Your next options might involve working on campus - which isn't as ghastly as it might sound. You can work towards your tuition or book fees, sometimes, and really, it's better than studying, isn't it?

Another interesting tidbit: Make money blogging. It's actually a pretty good way of making a little extra cash - and while we all know you won't actually spend that money on schoolbooks, it'll at least help you out a bit.

For Pay-Per-Click ads, you can try Google's Adsense, or Yahoo's Publisher Network. I don't have any experience with YPN, but Adsense is remarkably easy to use if you use Blogger - all you need to do is answer a few questions in your Template (click on "Add New Element") and it's all set, but for a simple confirmation email.

For Pay-Per-Post, you can try Blogsvertise, Blogitive, or Pay-Per-Post. I have no experience with the last two, but Blogsvertise is an excellent resource. It's so easy to sign up and pending approval, you can get started in days. Of course, a blog that's been around for a bit is preferred but they could put you on probationary status otherwise. See my above post for why Blogsvertise is perfect for college students!

In closing, I know that it probably won't help you to pay for your groceries right NOW - but at least it's a little hope on the horizon that you might be able to afford, you know, having a life... eventually.

New things.

2007-08-06T18:08:00.000-04:00

I always like to try new things - to see what else is out there for me to play with, or make an adventure out of. I like trying new products or resources and seeing what they can do for me, as a 20-something girl in New York, rather than as a bigshot actor in a commercial. I don't care what the TV says something can do - what can it do for ME?

Hopefully I can start exploring things like that on the blog. Doing a little research, seeing what works and what doesn't...

Hey, it can't hurt, can it?

The ocean.

2007-08-06T17:25:00.000-04:00

The ocean is fathomless, an eternity of water that never falters, never fails, and will always stare you in the face, waiting, a potential partner, showing you your weaknesses and your strengths, unfailing in its grasp of the unknown.

Maybe we should all take a few lessons from the playfulness of the waves.

...

Hey, for an introductory post, I had to be a little poetic.